16August09
Today is really a horrible n terrible day for me.... I have 3hrs of slp n woke up with headache. Cant stop de pain n went to work with a positive mindset, hope tat everything will go well but didnt expect tat around 2plus, my grandma call n said my youngest sister have a very high fever of 40 degree. She say tat is getting worst n she hope i can go home straight after work so i can bring my sis to see a doctor. I get very worried cos she suddenly sick n tmr is her birthday, i pity her n hope tat she can recover, she even beg me to buy tibits n sweets for her friends so tat tmr she go to sch her classmates will sing bday song for her. The worst thing is tat today is sunday, very difficult to find a clinic. I really have a hard time today.
I feel so tired n sleepy, i do not wan to complain but i was thinking why is it always me.... Where de hell are my brothers??? Both of them went to church, so is it my fault tat i went to work!! They cant even help me with something simple by jus bringing her to de doctor, i think they don even noe tat she is sick. I am jus a BIG SISTER, i am not a father or mother, i am jus a teenager like others mus i do all tis things. From de start till now i have been doing so many things, yes i complain but who really listen to me, understand n see wat i have done for tis family. Is it i have not done enough or not good enough to meet wat they want.... Is it de fact tat woman have to do all tis.... If my brothers can at least share a bit of my burden, do something simple which care this family, i am happy enough.
After i have talk wit my grandma over de phone, i really wan to leave early but haven handover then something very stupid happen, i cant handover n need to spent 1 hour plus to find de money when it is jus there, is my mistake. It is also my last working day of de mth, going for 3 weeks of studying break. Feel so guilty for not studying, ppl r putting hopes in me, so wat if i am not happy, feel stress... I still have to spent each n every day....
At de end of de day i blame myself, i don noe wat is gd enough, i don need anyone to appreciate, i think tis is wat i owe n wat i have to do, cant escape de. I once ask my younger brother, " am i a gd sister" he say ok lor. I feel disappointed n tis proof tat he expect more then wat i am doing now. I can only say tat i have tried my best to do de best i can for tis family, if really not enough i sincerely apologise. Feel sad :(
On 15/8/09, i really feel very happy over a simple thing n i have de sense of family going out tgt. I went out wit my grandma friend... she have ask me to go for many times but i always rejected but ytd i agree.There r a total of 8 of us. Jus a few hrs at IKEA n GAINT really let me feel tat even eating $1 hotdogs bread tgt n laughing tgt is also a very happy thing. Jus a simple thing, it is full of happiness n deep in my heart is gd enough le cos all tis is not what i can easily get from my own family...