28June09
Today is last day of holiday.. is raining now n i noe de heaven is sad as i am. I can never be de best, is jus not gd enough to de expectation. I am such a failure. I am not a gd daughter, who don understand my parents n wat they need, i cant make them be proud of me n make them happy. I am not a gd friend, i am always de one who hurts others n now i finally noe y till now i am always alone in tat world. I am not a gd sister, i cant set a gd example n i always throw my temper on them without any reasons. I am not a gd granddaughter, she can do everything for me yet i cant do something simple for her. I am not a gd employee, i feel tat i have let down my team n not there wit them, i didnt play my part at all. I am not a gd student, i have disappoint my teachers again n again. I AM JUS A NOBODY TO ANYONE...
As wat i have said.. tis year really sux n is hard. I no longer noe wat is de meaning of happiness... Who will really understand how i feel? Forget it, it is jus a huge mistake to be tracy.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
21June09
It's been a long time since i update my blog. A lot of things to write...Today is father day yet i don noe, i thought is on 26th.. luckily one of de rider, sam told me, he said his family is going for dinner. So xinfu!!! Well.. as for me, is de same for every year, just a call n say happy father day, that's it. Is jus a occasion. Today working, running shift n production, very tiring cos my 2 powerful CL r on leave. Haha.. but is quite fun.
I am having home tution now, i don really like him but he is here to help me so jus give it a try n it is so difficult to ask my dad n he agreed. School holidays pass so far tat in 1 week time i will be in school. Really looking forward to go school cos is so boring at home wit 2 noisy sisters, 2 noisy neighbour kids who always wants to come to my house n a baby who cries everyday.
My dad told me to give up if i have tried my best, he say i have been very quiet, strange n unhappy ever since i studied in express stream. He don wan me to stress n struggle, he scare i end up become crazy n talk to myself while walking. He said he will support me in everything n if i really cant go far, he will always be there for me to depend on. I don noe is he encouraging me or wat, i suddenly feel a sense of belonging in my dad's heart. He say he really hope tat i could call him often n talk to him, not bout studies n money but others. I wish tat in future there will be a chance for me to celebrate father day wit him cos i have already miss it so many times.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
10June09
Haix... wat to do?? Y cant my life be more simple, always ther r more things piling up. I cant breathe le, cant take it anymore... how to be happy, always finding for happiness but wat i get was sorrow n sadness. Family, money n studies...
I jus meet a new friend, shu zheng, she is quite a nice girl n on 8/6/09 i had lunch wit her at mos burger, n we talk alot bout studies n i agree wat she told me. I really wan to work hard but ther r always family problem tat cause me to worry n i cant concentrate. I really confuse, i don noe wat to do, i really wish to go far cos i wan my family to feel proud of me, i wan to set a gd example for my sis n bro. I hope tat at de end of it i can tell myself tat i have already did my best n tat is de maximun i can do n not regret for y i didnt work hard enough. I don wan to live wit regrets... My dad r not doing well ther n i have been owing sch fees for 6mths. Actually i really feel like give up n put a full stop. It is very tiring when no one in de family noe wat i am doing n wat i have done, no one understand, no one share my burden.
My uncle wan me to have a tution teacher but did he ever think whether can i afford to have even if i wan n i need. I don even noe how to ask my dad cos tution need money. I noe my results sux, but i am trying hard to do something bout it, i have already put mac aside n trying hard to look for someone to help me. I have already stop going out n have fun cos i will spent money n i need to study.
I am getting more n more afraid, i don wan to leave s'pore, can i ?? The situation r bad, things r getting complicated. I don wan to think but wat if it really happen... when i don have a choice to choose n my bright future r gone n vanish... how strong can i be.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
4Juneo9
Today is de last day of mentoring program... Well, 3hrs in AVA room... I kana cheated, i saw them putting alot of chocolate syrup on top of de biscuits but when i ate it, ther r wasabi inside. Wa.... i almost choke to death, i ate 3 cos my grp r losing n we have to finish it. Is de first time i eat wasabi, de taste make me keep crying, so disgusting. The mentoring program teach us alot, today is bout cyber wellness n life purpose.
I have started painting on my canvas n i am having fun... Life is as usual, go to sch but now i cant go out n have fun le,so sad.... after paying phone bills for my bro n buying assignment books, i am broke now:( Tmr i am going to a centre to learn baking cos is a promise. I think i am going to tat centre quite often cos i can get help ther but is quite far, woodlands. Recently, i am weird weird de, feel like being alone like wat i was before, don care bout anything...
I cant believe tat i am late for my first O-level paper, i feel so ashamed of myself. When i walk into de hall, everyone have already started writting n i am lost, finding wher i suppose to sit. When i finally found my sit, i need time to calm down cos i am panicking, i feel so scare. When i have calm myself down, i left wit only 1hr45min to do but luckily i manage to finish it. Feel so stupid...
Today i share abit of my personal thing wit my grp cos they r all sharing n a girl, ask me" do i hate my parent for leaving me behind"? I say no cos after so many yrs, i have already get use to it n i understand. Feeling so tired wit tis kind of life but ending it is very stupid, giving up is stupid so jus carry on n believe tat it will get better. A few more mths to go....