26/4/09
This mth is coming to an end le... Why there r so many things to do.. time jus pass too fast tat i cant manage to get things done. Once i finished, there r still another.. it seem like things r always undone. Exams r round de corner.. so many to study. This week i didnt work but i really miss mac.. i will think how is everyone doing.. Really feel uncomfortable not going to work. Stay at home n study makes my grandma happy but i am not. It's already part of my life, going to work on weekend, mac is also a place where i find my happiness. I really love mac n de ppl, i once place mac n study at de same level. Both r important to me... No matter how many scolding i get from friends n family... i still insist on holding tight to this job. Maybe i am foolish but time really flies.. it's already 2yrs n 27days.
Life continues, no matter wat happened. I once told my friends tat i am always de last few in a marathon race but i still have to continue running n not give up. But there this someone.. he say i am wrong cos i might be de last few one but at least i am not de last. Keep on going n believe in urself, as long as i don give up, there still hope. Things changed, ppl changed. He is right, yes i once first before but in life there can nvr be first all de time. Whenever i think of my friends,teachers n families words... i will feel very very sad n will be like tap water.Haha... y i always said bout my studies... maybe i am too stress n cant think of ways to improve myself.
I wan to go for study break but sometime i jus don noe how to tell annie. I noe u all will not blame me for going for study break but i will blame myself, i wan to be a part of it, i wan to noe wat is going on, i really cant imagine wat will happen if i don think or go mac. I cant open my mouth to say it out cos i will feel guilty for not going to work cos we r a team.Someone once told me, when u get something, u will lose something,u cant have both at de same time. Mus i give up? I really hate being a tap water but it is hard to control myself... whenever i think of 'STUDIES' tis word...or de ppl around me who encourages me de words i will........
I really wish to be happy but i find myself being a tap water more than smiling. I think of grades n ways of studying...sometime it really make me mad. This year suppose to be my 16th happy year but i feel tat it is a horrible year, i hate it. I must not give up but it is very hard cos i have to struggle n hold onto it. I don noe how to help myself... feel very down. I wan to find de tracy i once was, de confident but maybe i jus fall too much. Haix.. don wish to think but is impossible. It takes time to recover..... Tracy u mus jiayou n continue to finish de race... u already half way there le. Suffer for a few mths n it is worth it. I noe it is redundant talking to myself.. Ytd is history, today is present, tmr is future. Things will sure get better de.. i end off wit a smile :)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
22april09
Aaaa.. my finger is twice de size, pain arh!! Mr E ask me to see doc, funny ar, i think it will be fine after a few days but he keep saying go see doc is better. My class have a inter-class netball competition wit all de upper sec classes.. total of 8 classes, we r de CHAMPION!! As expected.. my class so many ex-netballer, ofcourse will win de mah... i am one of de ex, i play GK. Actually i suppose to go for ACP but i keep thinking which one to go then i decided to go for competition cos tis is my last year in sch le, i mus leave wit memories but i scare de discipline teacher will come after me cos they say if i don go for ACP, i will be suspended from sch. I owe them 2hrs detention then cos of my ACP, they excuse me... If they really come after me then i will try to explain to them.
I went for de competition cos i have been playing netball for 4yrs le.. since pri 4 to sec 1 n i quit when i was sec 2 cos i felt tat i let down de team. I went oversea n when i was back, they train till so hard n as a team i am not there wit them.. I noe is not my fault but i am tat kind of person, if i am in it wit de team, then i will sure be in it. I left, n leave them behind i feel guilty. Now at least i can still play wit my classmates.. really happy:) I scare it will apply in mac.. if i leave de team too long i will be upset. I believe tat in a team, we will sure understand each other, i believe tat my team wouldn blame me.. I heard from my friend say tat there r a total of 79 chapter to study for mid-year.. oh gosh!! how to study.. nvm, there will be a way out.
Recenty.. have been sleeping late, really hope to slp early n get enough rest but it seem like things r forever undone. My art composition have not done yet n my clasmate r all starting on canvas le..i really cant think of wat to draw no matter how many references i have. I felt so sry to Mrs Sim, she always encourage me, nag at me n i can see tat she have very high expectation from me..haix~
4E5(2009)... Jiayou in de mid-year exam.. all de best!! Girls, today u gals did a great job.. NICE GAME :)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
21april09
Haix~is coming to de end of april le... My first paper will start next week,exam r round de corner n eveyday going to sch till 5 or 6pm really makes me feel tired.. I have to attend extra extra lesson(ACP). I did badly in my CA1 so i have to go ACP, yes it is tiring but i believe tat all de hard work i put in will not be wasted as long as i tried my best. I skip sch, go to sch late often in de beginning of de year but now i changed.. i tell myself in order to achieve a better result i have to do something to it.
I will forever remember wat my teachers told me. First, tracy, don let de head of department feel tat it is a mistake for promoting u to express, prove it to them tat u can do it. It is only de 0.1% of de students can get into express so treasure de chances we give u, we believe u can do it. U failed but it dosent mean tat u will forever fail, failing is de key to success if u don give up, keep trying harder if u fail this time. I have many teachers tat believe in me, they hope tat i have a bright future. I noe they care for me n i don wan to disappoint them but i really have to work very hard. I really scare to disappoint them cos they believe in me so much. Not only teachers, friends, families believe in me too.
I really dislike studying but if i don study wat i wan to do?? i don noe.. I am very stress wit studies... i hate to use de word 'STRESS' but i really am.... I told him bout it n he say he wan to help but i rejected him cos he also have alot of things to do... I don noe where to begin, i wan to be like last time, have gd grades. I used to go to sch happily but now i am dragging my foot to sch, i wan to learn but sometime jus felt very left out cos no matter wat i am once a student from Normal Acadamic, i cant really catch up them, i am always de last few in de running track. Tired of running after them but i have no choice but to continue cos i have to finish tis race no matter wat i faced.
I really wan to stand up again, i am tired of falling..I blame myself for all tis failure, i always think tat i didnt work hard enough n put in enough effort to get wat i want. Studies really make me unhappy when all tis happened. Last year, i almost repeat but my teacher give me a chance. I lied to many ppl bout my studies, whenever they say how was my studies, i will say ok but now i can say tat it is horrible...
I mus not give up, i don wan to disappoint those who believe in me, can de, one step at a time, slow n steady... i believe therefore i am. Trust urself, have confident... Jiayou :) Hard work will prove everything
Sunday, April 19, 2009
18april09Today is my last working day in mac n is de day when only jillian n i running de store.. i have been waiting for tis day to come but i think it is de first time n also will be de last time... Sry tat i am in a bad mood, i didnt want to show but jus cant control myself n don noe wat to talk to u cos i felt useless when facing u. I even shouted at jillian n ws.. sry guys, i didnt did it on purpose...sry. I am going for a very long studies break n i really hope tat after u leave, stay happy n rmb tat de hard work we put in tgt will always remain as memories... After work i have a talk wit jillian n is de first time she sent me home, we chat for very long.Thanx for everything u have done for me. There is tis person who oso care a lot for me.. u nvr fail to call me to go to slp at night when it is very late when u saw me online. U always did tat until i get use to it n will sure listen to u, thanx to Mr E. I promise tat i will always smile n be happy like tat pic, having u all guys by my side makes me feel tat is faith tat we meet n become gd friend...Eventhough tis week is a bad week for me but i still have jillian n Mr E who r always there, i am fine now.Now i am going to tell myself tat... i have so many ppl who trust me, i will not disappoint them n myself.. i mus work hard for everything, in work n studies. I have many personal problems but it is not important now, i am going to put it a side... Things maybe hard now, but it will end sooner or later.No problems end forever... jillian is rite, i shld do something to make myself happy cos i am 16 tis yrs n my bday is on 16. I love all my friends n thanx for always be there for me... :)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
17april09
I went to work n didnt expect tat jillian working too. so happy working wit her cos our time left not much le... yes treasure it!! After work we when to talk n i share wit her a lot.. i cried again, i don wan to show my weakness but i cant hold it anymore, sry. I have to face my back to u cos it is very ugly.. I once told u before tat i feel like giving up everything i have now n leave tis place n go to somewhere far away to start afresh, i have fall from a very high point to de ground n i am alone all alone now.. yet u r still there for me.U told me if leaving make u happy then leave... U r helping me now,thanx for everything tat u did for me. I heard bad news from jillian was tat both of us will leave tgt n de feedback annie give me.I noe my performance in mac have drop a lot, yes i have disappointed all of u.. i am sry to all those who trust me n believe tat i can do it.
Jillian can u stop scarifing urself for me, pls do something for urself, if u keep on doing all tis is jus cos u wan me to be happy then i can only tell u tat i not happy cos u doing for me not urself.. do u noe tat in my entire life, no one have do so many things for me. I noe u blame urself for making tat mistake but i have forgiven u.. i don blame u. I noe u have problems too, u r keeping cos u don wan me to think too much. I talk alot wit jillian n while walking home n lying on de bed, i could see n remember watever we have did tgt. When we quarrel, laugh, share things n so many so many.... I AM SORRY FRIEND... i don wish to lose u but i cant do anything to it n i will try my best to accept it if it really happen.
Tmr will be my last working day n after tat i will not be able to have chance working wit jillian n bm le.. they r leaving n i going for a long break. Thanx to everybody in HGA8 who helped me n specially thanx to bm for being my trainer n coach me till now n being by my side n nvr give up on me. Really apprecite it n hope u will always be happy. i wouldnt forget watever u taught me. ya i am fat le.. thanx man. LOVE U ALL GUYS
Thursday, April 16, 2009
16 april 09
heyhey... today is 16 my farvourite no. my birthday have pass 1mth le.Lesson in sch r getting more n more boring n tiring, eventhought i attend sch everyday but de amount of knowledge i asborbed is not much. So excited for tmr to come, i working wit ws, hope to have a great day. There is a talk on self-acceptance today n ya it is quite meaningful. The way u look at urself. Having a chat wit jillian on 15/4 really make me burst out... i don noe y.. recently i have been crying a lot, think a lot. I jus heard some bad news from jillian tat 2 of de fms r leaving. She told me to be mentally prepare but i feel very scare n sad, i don wan all tis to happen. I cant live without u... from a crew to a CL now a FM. Together de hard work we put into it, now u r leaving. I noe u will still contact me but de feeling no longer there. Didnt we said before let annie make de decision, don tell her to let who go. At a point of time we r so cold toward each other n now i share everything to u but when u leave, i have nothing left!!! NOTHING.. I noe it is not up to us to choose or make decision, in de end we have to accept everything n face it. I jus felt tat it is very unfair to both of us, maybe there nothing which r fair. I am sry, i noe de chances of u leaving is high n i cant do anything to it. U r giving urself to it cos of me... HGA8 is where we r born, leave n bring all de memories along... I AM SORRY
Sunday, April 12, 2009
12 april 09hellos...today is sunday... weekends always flies, i am sooo tired after 3 days of G. Eventhough i am tired but i really enjoy working. I enjoy working wit de ppl.. thanx a lot to jas n ws. Love ya!!It seem like nothing happened wit me n my dad, i really cant get use to it when he is here even my mum too. I have already get use to it.. life without dad n mum. My dad asked me y when he talk to me i don feel like talking, it is cos i don noe wat to talk to him n our relationship is like drifting apart. He asked me a lot of things but i only answer n nvr will continue de topic. All he noe is ask bout studies n money.. sick n tired to listen to de same things. I noe he care for me but i can only say tat i am sorry... life without u by my side for these 16yrs have already allow me to get use it n it is hard to return to de past cos it is time tat matter.Sometime i really feel tat i am living in tis world blindly.. i don noe wat i wan n really feel lost. Studies make me headache.. i don feel like giving up watever i have now but i am struggling to hold on to it tightly cos if i jus let it lose a bit.. it will be gone. When i am really feel so down.. i have to cry at a corner with no one knowing n no help at all.. no one to comfort me, encourage me. Maybe she is right.. i nvr allow others to step into my world, i have been keeping things to myself. Jus hope tat no one will be worry but i didnt noe tat things will turn worst when i cant do anything to it... At de end,i blame myself for my failure, i cause everything. Tears jus flow naturally n sliently.... I still have to stay strong in front of others.. i am not weak from de outside but i am,inside. Y is this happening to me, it is really pain inside. After all... i still have to depend on myself to continue de thousand miles journey even i keep falling. Life continues.......Lastly thanx JASTINA for de help today, really apprecite it :)
Thursday, April 9, 2009
9 April 09
well....today is my school sport day,school end at 12noon but i didnt turn up in sch.. 2hrs of art!! i think i will get scolded by mrs sim.. she always nag at me. I am stuck at my composition n my classmates r starting on canvas. so sad actually de main reason is i have headache n stomachache.. but i did turn up on my sport day. Is my last year in bowen le.. i shld go.. WS called n say tat i am working tonight.. so happy to go to work. i think i will be tired...
I think from tmr onwards to 19/4/09 will be my nightmare. My dad n aunt are coming to s'pore n i don like it when my dad is here... Tmr i working G, i think we will sure start to have another quarrel if he noe tat. He don allow me to work at night.. he say tat it is very dangerous but i noe as a father he will sure think tat way but it is too late to change de schedule. i don like to change cos i think it is very troublesome. Hope tat he will allow me to work, even if he disagree i will insist on going. I felt so bad.. i have to lied to him everytime i work night shift.. when he call..i will say tat i am on my way home but de true is i am working. i don wish to quarrel wit him or let him worry. i don wish to lie but if i tell him de truth, he wouldn understand me.. is hard when we r in de different planet.. i am in earth n he is in mars... Haix~ hope things will be fine..