31may09
Today is month end..... jus end work n now resting at home. Today working wit weisong, really fun, not enough crew yet our sales r better then ytd, feel gd. Ytd i finally take up de courage to have a nice chat wit annie, really unexpected. Ytd is also de day i in mac for 2yrs 2mth. We have a chat for bout nearly 2hrs. Is very nice talking to her n i have embrass myself n i am glad tat we have tis conversation n she understand. Well as for wat de conversation was, only she noe i noe...hahas. Next mth schedule, i only work 4 days n short hrs. As for work, i have to put it aside... Maybe others will think i holiday i still work so little but is not a holiday for me. I have alot of things coming, tough n difficult. I still have hope de, is not de end of me. On parent meeting, is de worst day of de mth. Wat a result i have!!!
I am not saying n going to do nothing bout it, history do repeat again. Is past but it will still come again. As for mac, honestly speaking i did thinking of give up but i have come tis far n letting go, all my effort is a waste, eventhough in mac i didnt do much thing n true tat my performance drop alot n maybe i am de worst of all but i will try harder, is not de time yet.
I am going to change n i have to do so, maybe ppl might not like it but do try to understand. Only a few mth n i don noe y tis year pass damn fast. Tmr having O-level mother tongue, all de best tracy... I have to motivate myself n don get influence by wat others said to me. I still have chance de......
Thursday, May 28, 2009
28may09
I am really piss off.... wat de hell!!! I am only tat 1 sec late. I am only only tat 10 steps away from tat guy, he can enter de sch n i cant. I am de first to be late n i don intend to be late. Well... same thing happen, Ms Normala call n talk to my bro, she get very very angry n i can see tat she cares a lot cos she was one of de teacher who give me chance to get into express. I am very mad at tat time so i agrue wit her, i ask her when was de last time i late?? Is TWO MONTHS ago, it show tat i did put in effort to change n today is jus tat few sec. She say so wat is tat few sec, still late n she ask me do i wan a fair or a poor for my conduct jus because of late coming to sch.... She say tis is de 8th times i late n she can give me suspension right away but she say i give u one last final chance, i have already given u 2 warning letters so it is up to u to change. I can see tat she feel quite disappointed to see me cos i was once her best n outstanding students yet she see tis. I have no rights to say anything cos after all i still late. Just because i late, i miss de chance to walk up to de principle n get my netball champion trophy, i have to recieve it from my friend. Wat a big mistake...
Is so bad to see all tis happening... getting look down, get scolded, accept all de negative feedbacks, i am going crazy soon..... Wat r sch for ??? Do i have anyone who i can turn to??Who really understand me?? My classmates say, i tot u very clever cos u can come to express but when they see my result, everyone turn away... Teachers wan me to backup but how to ??? So wat if i am sad, can things change... I noe i have a chance but i am sry tat i don noe how to treasure it. I am a fool, stupid idiot, useless... I HATE MYSELF, I BLAME MYSELF
Is it going to be de end of me... can i still carry on. Is it a curse or something which i have to accept??? Studies, Family,Work, Money...... How to handle so many things at a time. When i finally have de courage to start again, only a few steps n i fall again. Can anyone understand how i feel, i wasn't like tat in de past... I WAN TO GO BACK!!!! I wan to have wat i once have but now i lose everything....nothing left. If i really can slp forever then it would be de best thing cos my world r no longer tat beautiful anymore. I noe i am a coward cos i am avoiding it but things r always happening non-stop, i really cant take it anymore.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
24may09
I spent my weekend working, and it pass so fast without i knowing... Feeling so tired, working may me happy but sometime i am not. I feel tat my heart n de interest r no longer like before. I jus have de feeling tat i am not myself anymore. Anyway, i have walk so far, is it worth it to give up. I have a feeling of guilty. Family issue, so far still de same but i am not going to think bout it...de more i think, i still don noe wat to do. Studies, i am behind time... i need to do something bout it. My counsellor told me tat i need to manage my time well, do de right thing at de right time. She say tat it will be a difficult decision but it is bout my future, she ask me work n studies, which is important n i say studies. She wan to help me but de decision is still mine, she say tat weekend time r very precious. Sometimes i really have to lose before i could gain but i scare tat i will regret. Maybe in life,we cant be so greedy to get both at de same time... mus learn to let go, n it will only remain as memories. How long can i hang on??
On 21may, i went to RP... to participate on high element n i make it through, it is so scary n fun. On every stage, i face difficulties but it depend on myself to overcome de obstacles. I have to believe in myself tat i mus not make myself fall, i am scare to fall but if i fall i still need to pull myself up n continue to finish it, i feel like giving up half way but i tell myself tat i am already half way ther, abit more to go, i mus finish it. The feeling was wonderful when i complete every stages.
I am going to stop to grieve over the past, for it is gone, no more comparing with de past. I love myself in de past more then now but i cant go back. I have to keep moving... No matter wat going to happen i have to stay strong n face it.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
200509
How i wish i could sleep forever... i am not going to wake up, i don wan to see tis beautiful world anymore. I thought i could accept but i am wrong, after all i fall again. Not once but many, how can i stand up again. The distance is getting shorter, can i finish it wit a smile or i will end up crying. I don wan tis to happen de, don wan don wan.....but it happen again n again. I don noe wat to do, i am lost. I wan to be de tracy i once was. Y cant it happen again?? I ruin it wit my bare hand... Can i still continue to stay strong.
Is there a way out.... mus i give up something. Y cant i have both at de same time, y mus i lose when i get something. I blame myself for everything i have done... i did not try hard enough.. i cause all tis to happen. Wat am i suppose to do next?? I am running out of time. I don have much time, can i keep going. I wan to forget all de past, i don wan to compare anymore. I am going to turn at another angle to slove de problem. Sry i have disappoint all those who believe n have faith in me. Everything will be a new start again. I have to keep going, it is ending soon....
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
13may09
Today is my bro,terence, birthday...haha, lucky it didnt fall on de fri de 13. Well, exam going end soon, 3 more to go. I think i might not do well for this time but i will work harder next time, i will accept watever results i get n will not feel like last time anymore cos once a person fall too much, it takes time to recover n take one step at a time. I think i have neglect my studies too much tat i lose interest.
My dad called, n i have a chat wit him... He say it is his duty to support us n let us have a better education which will let us have a bright future. He also say, that is y he keep asking us to study hard but he added if he really no longer can support us anymore, will we blame him?? He say even if we wan to study but he can no longer give anymore n it is already limits le, he cant carry on le. I didnt think n i answer him, no i wouldnt blame u cos he have already tried to give all he could. But de last thing he say tat he will not give up n will work hard. I really cant expect tat ther is tis day my whole family going to have hard time... If tat thing didnt happened, i think right now i don have to think of all tis n my dad will be here le.. Even if i really can get a chance to go poly but de sch fees, not cheap. Actually i shld thanx my dad for trying his best to give us de best he could but i had nvr thanx him before yet all tis yrs, i blame him for not understanding me. I don wish tat day will come but if it does, it is very diffcult to leave n give up wat i have now but i will accept... I rather my siblings have de chance of studying. Yes tis is not wat i wan... but i cant change it, fight for myself. Decision is mine, i will decide wisely n hope tat i will not regret.
Anyway.... ther r still mths to go, i am thinking too far bah but sometime it will jus come across my mind n i will think bout it. Imagine, all tis really happen, will i really have de courage to accept, or will i be scare. No matter wat happen, tracy will face it.. Human Being r really a kind of complicated creature which r so difficult to understand... Devil & Angel, True&Fake, Trust, Cruel, Honesty, Lies, Betray, Backstab, Kind, Selfish... so many, which is real?? So many different kind of ppl, so difficult to see n understand. Going back to work soon...
Thursday, May 7, 2009
07may09In life, sometime is all about accept, face de fact, all tis r fate. Can i fight for it? Can i get wat i wan? Can i change it? Today is already de 3th day i have not talk to my bro. On de 4th of may i had a quarrel wit my dad n bro. I finally realised tat i have been blaming de wrong person for so many yrs. I misunderstood n i thought tat he express his love by only giving us money but de truth is he wanted to be wit his own child n understand them but it is not a choice for him leaving us. He say tat he is tired.. he feel like a santa claus more than a father. I felt so guilty when i say all those nasty words to him. He have make a big sacrifice.. he wish to be wit us but he cant cos he need to find money to support us. I really hate it when my family problems r endless. As for me, if leaving is de best way, i willing to be de next one to sacrifice cos i am not my dad only child. It is not a choice.... maybe he is waiting or he need at least one of us to be there to support him n help him. So many yrs le.... he is tired le. Imagine giving up everything i have now n leave to a unfamiliar place. Can i be selfish n think for myself n not de whole family?? I think i cant do tat... After all no matter wat, they still my family. I might lose everything here n i don noe is it worth it. Jus hope tat i could help him n share some of his burden, out of 5, i think i am de best choice. Haix... jus hope tat miracles will happen before de time i have to say goodbye. I really don noe y am i doing all tis for them, tis is not wat i have to do but i jus cant bear seeing him suffering. He is a great dad n i really love him but cos of too many yrs of separation, our relationship r drifting apart. I am confuse now... wat shld i do??No matter wat will happen next... tracy will stay strong n face it. Maybe tis is jus my destiny n i have to accept all tis. Now i can only treasure watever i have now n in a few mths later... things will changed n it is time to say goodbye. After O-level, i will noe de answer le.. i noe it is still a few mths ahead but time fly n i will tried my best to find de best way out of it. Jus hope tat he still can stay strong... If he really collasped then i think de time is up. Dad jiayou, i will always be there for u. Hope tat miracles will appear.... n i don wish to say bye